Esox Lucius
26-03-2004, 12:08 PM
ARSENAL = NAOMI CAMPBELL:
>Manages to disguise her South London roots. Obsessed with style and has
>had some problems on her travels. Can look good but volatile under
>pressure. Prone to lashing out when provoked.
>
>ASTON VILLA = JUDY FINNIGAN
>Shakier than she used to be and the cracks are increasingly starting to
>show
>- it's hard to believe that only a few years ago she was quite well
>fancied.
>
>BIRMINGHAM = JADE GOODY
>Was a bit rough round the edges but starting to look quite tasty after
>a lot of work - particularly at the rear. Not always the brightest, but
>surprising everyone by sticking around in the spotlight.
>
>BLACKBURN = KYM MARSH
>Plucked from obscurity to enjoy one flash of success a few years ago
>but only because of the pots of money behind her. Could very easily get
>relegated this year.
>
>BOLTON = DEIRDRE RACHID
>Lancashire institution who surprises her fans just by being there year
>after year, though overshadowed by more glamorous neighbours. Fond of
>foreigners. The axe has got to come one day, but perhaps not yet.
>
>CHARLTON = DENISE VAN OUTEN
>Inoffensive, welcoming sort who has gone a long way on very little
>resources. Slowly gaining respectability with some good shows but a
>fall from grace could come any time.
>
>CHELSEA = CATHERINE ZETA-JONES
>Looked good on and off for many years without achieving anything of
>note. Suddenly gets into bed with a wealthy foreigner who splashes out
>a ton of cash and starts to impress overseas
>
>EVERTON = DEMI MOORE
>Best years are long gone despite lots of surgery and a
>hanging-on-in-there attitude. Recent find of a star toy-boy may improve
>her prospects slightly, and some new young talent in the team, in a few seasons under davey moyes guidance they will be back to their best and beating the red scum
>
>FULHAM = SADIE FROST
>A few rough patches after a steady rise to the top, thanks to one man.
>He's since got rid of her but she's picking up again with the help of a
>new, younger manager.
>
>LEEDS = MEL B
>Yorkshire lass who enjoyed a spell at the top but whose taste for the
>finer things in life has left her out of pocket. Recently had to sell
>assets. Needs substantial investment to rediscover old form.
>
>LEICESTER = JORDAN
>Looking to get by with a minimum of talent, no subtlety and a couple of
>big lads up front. Gets through a fair share of journeymen players too.
>Favourite to go down.
>
>LIVERPOOL = MADONNA
>Top class back in the 80s and early 90s and blew all the competition
>away. Now living off past glories. Appears distinctly lacking in decent
>new ideas and is no longer as attractive to look at.
>
>MAN CITY = MARTINE McCUTCHEON
>Tried to re-invent herself recently but everyone remembers her
>unremarkable past. Seems to have a fiercely loyal support but no one
>quite knows why they've stuck with her.
>
>MAN UTD = POSH SPICE
>Pouting prima donna, never afraid of flashing her cash or shameless
>self-promotion. Struggling to hit the heights of 1999 but still a
>merchandising phenomenon in the Far East. Constantly changing her
>outfit.
>
>MIDDLESBROUGH = EMMA BUNTON
>Still struggling to do anything major, despite some expensive signings
>and looking good a few years ago. A few promising single performances
>but could soon be fighting relegation.
>
>NEWCASTLE = CHERYL TWEEDY
>Fighting the North East's corner - literally. Sassy Geordie with plenty
>of attitude. Dangerous when provoked. Assets looked after by one of the
>most respected managers in the game.
>
>PORTSMOUTH = CLAIRE SWEENEY
>Been around a while and recently found herself back in the big time.
>But most of her assets are past their best. Got a bit of ability,
>however can't see her going the distance.
>
>SOUTHAMPTON = RACHEL STEVENS
>Girl next door - recently moved to pastures new. Everyone's second
>favourite. Might go far, might not. Who cares? Definite lack of
>strength in depth but manager making the most of her.
>
>SPURS = JOAN COLLINS
>Hasn't done anything for decades but still acts like a big star. Puts
>on a good show for the die-hard fans but best days are behind her,
>despite injection of young talent.
>
>WOLVES = SHERYL GASCOIGNE
>Who else would be deluded enough to give Gazza another chance? Looked
>good on the B-list but out of her depth in the top flight. Overshadowed
>by far more glamorous rivals.
>Manages to disguise her South London roots. Obsessed with style and has
>had some problems on her travels. Can look good but volatile under
>pressure. Prone to lashing out when provoked.
>
>ASTON VILLA = JUDY FINNIGAN
>Shakier than she used to be and the cracks are increasingly starting to
>show
>- it's hard to believe that only a few years ago she was quite well
>fancied.
>
>BIRMINGHAM = JADE GOODY
>Was a bit rough round the edges but starting to look quite tasty after
>a lot of work - particularly at the rear. Not always the brightest, but
>surprising everyone by sticking around in the spotlight.
>
>BLACKBURN = KYM MARSH
>Plucked from obscurity to enjoy one flash of success a few years ago
>but only because of the pots of money behind her. Could very easily get
>relegated this year.
>
>BOLTON = DEIRDRE RACHID
>Lancashire institution who surprises her fans just by being there year
>after year, though overshadowed by more glamorous neighbours. Fond of
>foreigners. The axe has got to come one day, but perhaps not yet.
>
>CHARLTON = DENISE VAN OUTEN
>Inoffensive, welcoming sort who has gone a long way on very little
>resources. Slowly gaining respectability with some good shows but a
>fall from grace could come any time.
>
>CHELSEA = CATHERINE ZETA-JONES
>Looked good on and off for many years without achieving anything of
>note. Suddenly gets into bed with a wealthy foreigner who splashes out
>a ton of cash and starts to impress overseas
>
>EVERTON = DEMI MOORE
>Best years are long gone despite lots of surgery and a
>hanging-on-in-there attitude. Recent find of a star toy-boy may improve
>her prospects slightly, and some new young talent in the team, in a few seasons under davey moyes guidance they will be back to their best and beating the red scum
>
>FULHAM = SADIE FROST
>A few rough patches after a steady rise to the top, thanks to one man.
>He's since got rid of her but she's picking up again with the help of a
>new, younger manager.
>
>LEEDS = MEL B
>Yorkshire lass who enjoyed a spell at the top but whose taste for the
>finer things in life has left her out of pocket. Recently had to sell
>assets. Needs substantial investment to rediscover old form.
>
>LEICESTER = JORDAN
>Looking to get by with a minimum of talent, no subtlety and a couple of
>big lads up front. Gets through a fair share of journeymen players too.
>Favourite to go down.
>
>LIVERPOOL = MADONNA
>Top class back in the 80s and early 90s and blew all the competition
>away. Now living off past glories. Appears distinctly lacking in decent
>new ideas and is no longer as attractive to look at.
>
>MAN CITY = MARTINE McCUTCHEON
>Tried to re-invent herself recently but everyone remembers her
>unremarkable past. Seems to have a fiercely loyal support but no one
>quite knows why they've stuck with her.
>
>MAN UTD = POSH SPICE
>Pouting prima donna, never afraid of flashing her cash or shameless
>self-promotion. Struggling to hit the heights of 1999 but still a
>merchandising phenomenon in the Far East. Constantly changing her
>outfit.
>
>MIDDLESBROUGH = EMMA BUNTON
>Still struggling to do anything major, despite some expensive signings
>and looking good a few years ago. A few promising single performances
>but could soon be fighting relegation.
>
>NEWCASTLE = CHERYL TWEEDY
>Fighting the North East's corner - literally. Sassy Geordie with plenty
>of attitude. Dangerous when provoked. Assets looked after by one of the
>most respected managers in the game.
>
>PORTSMOUTH = CLAIRE SWEENEY
>Been around a while and recently found herself back in the big time.
>But most of her assets are past their best. Got a bit of ability,
>however can't see her going the distance.
>
>SOUTHAMPTON = RACHEL STEVENS
>Girl next door - recently moved to pastures new. Everyone's second
>favourite. Might go far, might not. Who cares? Definite lack of
>strength in depth but manager making the most of her.
>
>SPURS = JOAN COLLINS
>Hasn't done anything for decades but still acts like a big star. Puts
>on a good show for the die-hard fans but best days are behind her,
>despite injection of young talent.
>
>WOLVES = SHERYL GASCOIGNE
>Who else would be deluded enough to give Gazza another chance? Looked
>good on the B-list but out of her depth in the top flight. Overshadowed
>by far more glamorous rivals.