so, you wanted an honest opinion so here goes!!!!

first impressions:

you need to work harder on making your sounds work well together. ie eq and vol levels and stuff. it'll come with time, i can tell this is one of your first productions and it shows.

the bottom end ie kick and bass is totally uneventful. the track has no power because of it.

i really dont want to say anything else because it would be unfair based upon what stage you are in making music. the ideas are interesting but you've just gotta work hard over the next years to get it right.

all i can say is keep going. if you've got the passion for it, you'll make it....