well for your first track i'd be very proud of yourself. keep going!

if anything, it seems that one of your delays that isnt quite right (the sound that comes in at (0:27). it sounds slightly out. or it could another element in there. dunno without being there to mute and solo things :=] definitely some elements of this need 'tightening' up.

my person opinion is that 'tightness' should be your next mission. you've got some wicked ideas, no need to worry about that at all. take it to the next level m8! :D